Sunday, February 18, 2018

    • "Give me all of your attention... give me all your attention...  give me back of all I gave to you]"... selfish talk. 
              Prinze George - Dividends  

      Authentic... who is authentic? Do I, should I, feel like, want to be authentic... perceived as authentic. 

      - not false or copied; genuine; real. 
      - having an origin supported by unquestionable evidence [of being, verified] authenticated. 
      - representing one’s true nature or beliefs; true to oneself or to the person identified.  
      - entitled to acceptance or belief because of agreement with known facts or experience; reliable; trustworthy. 

      The very use of the word is bothersome... allowing it letting to get under my skin as aggravating as dirt under the nail. Someone claiming, prevailing, praising "for the authentic..." Specifically as a race, nationality, individuality... FAITH. I struggle and yet I know, I believe, I feel it's wrong to claim "I'm true, and only for the true..." What does that mean?! I'm over thinking it, but--"stop. stop, stop," as I catch myself making judgments. Faith teaching not to incriminate, judge, hate... forgive these words. I tend to be bottling as a "coping" mechanism which just comes across as if someone telling me " just shut up! no one wants to hear your ramble!" 

      if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all...keep it to yourself... 

      Am I alone in this? Repeats, repeats, repeats over and over again... 

      I love, I " HATE,"  believe, pray, blunt...not true, be "a true self" as if it was a noun, a living being. Blunt--not so much blunt as I previously perceived, emulate, verbally displayed. Blunt--speaking my thoughts to actually hear what I'm actually SAYING within, to process out loud. Blunt--been judged, disliked, loss, heartbroken, mishaps, mistaken... Previous mistakes haunt, misunderstood, so we, so I hold back, "hold thy tongue." Hide my true self. 

      Work, faith, struggle have been a coping mechanism to the point of exhaustion. Days ending too late to think, process, lack of time to express, and (or) feel. The career life I've chosen has taken over. Needs, my needs, his needs, our needs...NOW more than ever, "need" to make efforts to be alive, not part of the conveyor-belts. Efforts to breath, sleep, wake, consume, faith. To love and share my marriage as a whole rather than a solo party member. Embrace me for who I am, believe what I am, and work on "he and I." Build relationships again with both the man and my beliefs... faith, love, prayer.  

      Religion—always been a part of me, even though naked to the eye to outsiders. Who cares right?? Sharing the word and wisdom of God...yes, yes, yes... but hate, discriminate, judge, and told "your doing it wrong" make me come across as unappealing due to my reactions. Went to mass this past Wednesday and absorbed, embraced the words spoken, words used that were so comprehendible to the point of "WOW."  

      do not just speak, praise, love with others, but in privacy.  one on one, in secret... make it personal... let others be outspoken and share... but you, don't join the crowed to just appear, show and (or) be seen as outspoken as others... to be perceived  like others expressing their devotion, love, plea, praise, pray, share. Do you! Weather privately, intimately, and (or) vocally to the crowds, but be you... authentic, true... 

      This is my definition, my real thoughts. Beliefs with, of, who of God our my own and mine alone. Selfish it is, but for now, that's how it is. Hinder or hide I do not and expressive if spoken to by someone who is willing to process my thoughts, observe. Not alter there strives, goals, beliefs onto me, but comprehend my struggles to be reality and not false... love, pray, faith.  

      STOP and let others perceive what they want to be, like to be, and by others alone. Be authentic and true... Honestly, it's a daily struggle of its own...  

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